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Personally On the Juice
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Comedy 101
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2008-01-23 12:26
by Scott Long

I'm currently swamped with a bunch of projects that actually pay me money.  I know I have slacked here at the Juice Blog, so I wanted to create some activity while I'm finishing up my obligations.  Since this site features any type of subject matter, I'm soliciting points of view on sports, music, television, movies, politics, candy bars, etc.  All I ask is to come strong and don't be afraid to stir it up.  It will be our own little Toaster group study to see how far the comments can go and what different directions they will veer. I will try to weigh-in when I get the opportunity.  Expect new content from me sometime next week.



2008-01-23 12:42:27
1.   Shaun P
Hershey wants to replace cocoa butter in its chocolate with high fructose corn syrup - because HFCS is cheaper. Is anyone else as outraged by this as I am? I have ingested a number of processed fake foods in my life, but processed fake chocolate is where I draw the line.
2008-01-23 12:55:12
2.   chris in illinois
Well hell, I've got two questions for everyone out there (both hit upon two of my three favorite diversions in the world, baseball and food):

1) Who is your favorite player currently playing...I don't think we've covered this ground before.


2) One last meal, where and what??

For my part, a dirty little secret of mine is that my favorite player is Ryan Klesko. It looks like he might not get picked up for 2008 and that makes me a little sad. I'm an unrepentant Braves' fan and I still mourn the day he got dealt...

As for my last meal, it would definitely be in New Orleans and even though there are a number of contenders, I'd have to say that I'd go to Commander's Palace for lunch where I'd feast on bowl after bowl of seafood gumbo washed down with .25 cent martinis. After that I'd head to Coop's in the French Quarter and drink myself silly listening to the classic rock jukebox happily sucking oysters all evening. I'd die happy at that point.


2008-01-23 12:58:04
3.   Josh Wilker
1 That enrages me! You know what else enrages me? Well, really, I'm too lazy to ever get very enraged, but still, if I ever did get enraged it might be over the malignantly unstoppable use of the phrase "It is what it is." Parcells and Schilling are early pioneers of this Orwellian stripping of meaning from language, but the guy who galls me most of late for his constant reliance on the phrase is Kevin Kennedy on the mostly awful baseball show he co-hosts on XM with fellow self-congratulating meathead Rob Dibble. But I shouldn't get so worked up about it. I mean, what the hell, it is what it is.
2008-01-23 12:59:46
4.   Josh Wilker
2 :

1. Tim Wakefield
2. Fenway Frank, Fenway Park

2008-01-23 13:11:19
5.   chris in illinois
4 I still hold a small, tiny grudge against Wakefield for being a Pirate battling the Braves in 1992. Otherwise, love knucklers----free Charlie Haeger!!!!
2008-01-23 13:16:18
6.   Scott Long
Favorite Player. Nick Swisher...I've always liked the guy and now that he's depleted the White Sox minor league system, I've got to hope he becomes a monster at the homer-friendly Cell.

Last meal. It would probably be the Buffet at the Bellagio in Vegas. I know that it doesn't have the charm that Chris and Josh are discussing, but the quality and selection of food is great. It would be all about gorging like I was Jackie Gleason during his prime. Hell, if it's my last meal, let's throw in the John Entwistle Vegas package of blow and blow jobs.

2008-01-23 13:19:18
7.   chris in illinois

I've eaten at the Bellagio Buffet and sir, there is no shame in enjoying that at all. I am normally anti-steam table, but Cuh-rist that is one awesome spread.

2008-01-23 13:37:43
8.   Shaun P
3 Chocolate isn't what it is . . . err, claims to be, without cocoa butter.

Kennedy typically bores me, because its rare that anything he says is different from the typical sports platitudes and cliches you can get anywhere - and that I know are bunk. Every once in a while though, Dibble actually talks some sense. It still amazes me. I prefer the show when he's by himself.

And the Kennedy-Billy Ripken pairing? I can't listen to that drivel, my ears bleed. Its like a three-hour long game of "who can spew the most useless drivel?" and they both want to win.


1. Andy Pettitte
2. This is tough, so I'll go with somewhere I haven't eaten yet. I've always wanted to try the Chocolate Buffet at Le Meridian in Boston . . . whoops, I see that Le Meridian is now The Langham Boston. Over 125 different chocolate-based desserts? Yes please. ( for the current menu, note its a pdf file)

2008-01-23 13:43:58
9.   Humma Kavula
3 I understand why you feel that way about that phrase.

It is a phrase that urges people to accept mediocrity. Many -- perhaps most -- of us are in situations where mediocrity (or what we perceive as mediocrity) is thrust upon us, and there seems to be little we can do about it. Rather than fight, we say "it is what it is" -- it's just another way of saying "I don't care," but using two more words to do it.

That said, I'm in that situation right now with something. I could fight, but I would lose -- and my betters are already on my side and demanding that I just let it go. There is great financial gain to be had by letting this go and there is no pride to be gained by taking it on. So why take it on? I think I need to accept that it is what it is -- indeed, that I don't care -- and move on.

The only thing is that I can't get away with saying "I don't care," but I can get away with saying "it is what it is." The extra words do bother me. Can we shorten this to the two-syllable word iiwii (ee-wee)? Have I just make it worse?

2008-01-23 13:54:49
10.   Eric Stephen
I'm with you on "it is what it is," but think of it this way: without IIWII or "you are what you are" (the Parcells version, essentially), the world would never have known a podium-slapping Denny Green yelling "They are who we thought they were!"

You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both, and there you have...the facts of life.

2008-01-23 13:54:59
11.   Humma Kavula
2 My favorite ballplayer, until recently, was Nomar Garciaparra. When he was good, I loved everything about that guy, from his goofy name to his goofy routine in the batter's box to his incredibly goofy batting averages -- I mean, .372?

When he became a Dodger and I got to watch him every day, it was a real pleasure. He would form the bridge between the Old Dodgers, who weren't so good, to the New Dodgers, who were in Jacksonville and Las Vegas and banging on the door. For half a season, he was great, and it was a joy to root for my favorite player on my favorite team.

Since then, though, Garciaparra has become the second-worst* sign of What's Wrong with the Los Angeleses. After his good-then-crappy 2006, he was handed a two-year contract and a first baseman's mitt, even though James Loney had nothing left to prove in the minors. It took too long last season to shift him to third base, and his presence made the Wilson Betemit trade possible, and even now, when the job should be handed to Andy LaRoche, that's not a done deal, because he is around. All of this wouldn't be so bad if he'd just hit... but the fact that he's given so much rope and has done nothing with it since the 2006 AS break has been frustrating.

He used to be my favorite, but it's so hard to root for him now.

*I mean, he's no Pierre, but nobody is.

2008-01-23 14:03:20
12.   Eric Stephen
Favorite player currently playing: Chad Billingsley.

Final meal: Probably a filet at a steakhouse somewhere, but I need more time on this one.

2008-01-23 14:10:19
13.   Humma Kavula
I forgot to add:

Final meal: anything my wife chooses to make, but I'd request her special 40-clove garlic chicken. Friends all around, and plenty of wine. And then when we run out of wine, port. And then when we run out of port, aquavit. We all fall asleep; everybody except for me wakes up in the morning. Yeah, that'll work.

2008-01-23 14:27:56
14.   chris in illinois
13 20 year old tawny?? Or a vintage??
2008-01-23 14:36:41
15.   Humma Kavula
14 I don't know enough about port to answer -- but I have a friend who does, and he would make sure that it was covered.
2008-01-23 14:47:03
16.   chris in illinois
15 That's all that matters....myself, I'm a Tawny man---caramel, nutty....good god, I need a drink.
2008-01-23 20:08:13
17.   Suffering Bruin
Favorite Current Player: Russell Martin.

Favorite Player to Watch: Jose Reyes.

Last meal: It'd be at home. I'd gorge on five dishes made by my wife. The woman can flat cook.

2008-01-23 22:06:18
18.   stevegoz
Fave player is probably Miguel Cabrera. Mainly for lame-o fantasy baseball reasons -- grabbed him in my keeper league the day his callup was announced and have enjoyed having him on my team since. For the home team, it's probably Mark Buehrle.

Last meal, eh? Is there a way to make a fried chicken kung pao baby back rib burrito suizo stuffed pizza that wouldn't suck?

2008-01-24 03:43:57
19.   Suffering Bruin
13 That was cool.
2008-01-24 06:43:59
20.   Penarol1916
1. Where were you when I was railing against the evil power of the corn lobby in making anything sweet more expensive? One of these days we are going to import everything sweet because the corn farmers won't let us use any sweeteners that aren't based on corn. It's already happening with candy, I can't remember the last candy factory that was opened in the US rather than Canada or Mexico just because of sugar prices in the US.

As for favorite baseball player: Pedro Guerrero

Favorite food: A Chivito in Montevideo, Uruguay.

2008-01-24 07:42:32
21.   jgpyke
Favorite player: Eddie Gaedel

Question: what non-pitching Hall of Famer has the fewest number of career triples. Anyone know?

2008-01-24 07:57:10
22.   chris in illinois
21 resisting urge to check baseball-reference....

Killebrew??? (maybe Kiner??)

2008-01-24 08:21:22
23.   chris in illinois
21 Eddie G was a right-handed batter as many people know, but although he never got the chance he secretly was a lefty out in the field----just as I suspect that jgpyke is a conservative on the surface, but secretly is a lefty who likes to argue.
2008-01-24 09:15:00
24.   Todd S
9 The phrase that comes to mind in that situation is, "Some hills aren't worth dying on."

2 That's a really good question that made me think for a few minutes. While I was sifting through candidates, there's one guy that stands out now, someone I always get a thrill from when he comes into a game: Carlos Marmol. I know...strange that I pick a middle reliever, but when he's on, he just makes right-handers look silly. And whether he's on or off, I'm never quite sure where his fastball is going to end up.

Meal-wise, it's hard to beat a Morton's steak. So I'll say Morton's in the town I love to visit: Las Vegas, NV.

2008-01-24 14:18:21
25.   Josh Wilker
21 : The guy with the "slowest guy" rep in the hall is Ernie Lombardi, so he's my guess. He is in the hall isn't he? I'd look it up, but looking up stuff in the midst of a trivia question is a little questionable.
2008-01-24 14:37:57
26.   MC Safety
Favorite Dodger: Matt Kemp

Favorite Non Dodger: Frank Thomas

Last meal: Eggs Benedict

Favorite movie: The Garbage Pail Kids Movie

2008-01-24 18:31:48
27.   jgpyke
22. Nice going, chris--Killebrew is correct, with 24. But he is tied with someone else. Anyone know who that is?

[BTW, I am actually excluding Roy Campanella, whose HOF membership is somewhat asterisked, IMO. Campy had 18, which is technically fewest. But his career was cut short by paralysis. I am not sure if you can hold that against him, but he was already 35 when that happened and without the Clear and the Cream, we can't say he'd have turned around his mediocre career. Looking at his numbers, I am shocked he's even in the Hall.]

2008-01-24 21:53:29
28.   El Lay Dave
27 Campanella was a 26-year old rookie in 1948. Before that, segregated baseball had him playing in the Negro Leagues and, according to the NLBPA, he played there for "nearly a decade". I'll estimate he lost at least 5 good seasons to segregation, since all other HOF catchers, save 2, made their MLB debut between ages 19 and 22; the other two were 23. Do you like his numbers better with another 100 HR and, oh, 350 RBI? He was also considered an excellent defensive catcher. He has the highest career slugging pct (.500) of any HOF C.

And how does a three-time MVP catcher with a career 124 OPS+ have a "mediocre career"?

2008-01-25 00:15:54
29.   Another Tom
I think one of the saddest things about growing up is that I no longer have a favorite player. I just can't root for another grown man. I want the Dodgers to win, but in the end, as Seinfeld said, I'm just rooting for laundry.

As I kid I idolized Mike Marshall (the RF not the RP) and would get up every morning to check the box scores in the Times. I remember finding my father's scrapbook from when he was a kid and he had all these box scores and articles about Tommy Davis (his favorite player).

But then I grew up and found out first-hand that 90% of these guys are complete douche bags. Maybe it was different in the good 'ol days.

But every year I find myself watching, attending and paying attention to college sports more and more and pro sports less and less.

Last meal - Oh, it has to be Round Table Pizza

2008-01-25 10:18:20
30.   jgpyke
28. If Jorge Posada were paralyzed tomorrow, do you think he belongs in the HoF?

Hell, I'll even asterisk Campy's latter two MVP awards, since he followed them up by batting .207 and .219 in each of the following years, respectively.

Besides, Stan Musial was robbed in '51.

I know your name is El Lay Dave, so I understand your bias. It's cool.

2008-01-25 14:57:03
31.   overkill94
30 No, Posada wouldn't get in. Even without the missed years in the negro leagues, I'm guessing Campy still had a higher career OPS+ than Posada does.

As for the main question:

Favorite baseball player - Russell Martin

Favorite all-time player - Greg Maddux

Last meal - anywhere I can get a damn good steak and as much booze as I can drink

2008-01-26 16:38:08
32.   jgpyke
31. Campy and Posada have identical OPS+.

Campy does not belong in the Hall without an asterisk.

2008-01-26 17:11:18
33.   Voxter
Favorite ballplayer: Pedro Martinez

Favorite ballplayer, non-Red Sox division: Edgar Martinez

Favorite ballplayer, non-Red Sox or Mariners Division: Jim Edmonds

Pedro Martinez saved my baseball fandom. I had pretty much lost contact with the game as a fan, and then the Red Sox signed Pedro, and he made everything more exciting. I really lement that vintage Pedro could not have pitched for these dynastic teams of late. That would have been a thing to see.

Last meal: something involving my mother's latkes. Maybe latkes and collard greens with bacon and plenty of butter. Wow, that makes me hungry. Is it dinnertime?

2008-01-28 11:12:58
34.   Schteeve
Derek Jeter is to Tom Brady as Peyton Manning is to:

a) Jason Giambi
b) Gary Huckabee
c) Alex Rodriguez
d) Archie Bunker
e) None of the above
f) All of the above

2008-01-28 11:14:41
35.   Schteeve
Openly rooting for two professional sports teams in the same league is acceptable when:

a) You are personal friends with someone on one of the teams.
b) You have lived exactly half of your life in each city represented by the two teams.
c) You won enough money to become independantly wealthy betting on one of both of the teams.
d) It is never acceptable.

2008-01-28 11:16:03
36.   Schteeve
If Scott Weiland was an NBA player he would most closely resemble:

a) That guy from the Rockets
b) Jeff Van Gundy
c) That guy who keeps getting busted for dope.
d) Allen Iverson.

2008-01-28 11:18:15
37.   Schteeve
Joba Chaimberlain should begin the 2008 season:

a) In the bullpen
b) In the starting rotation
c) In Minnesota
d) In a hyperbaric chamber filled with midges

2008-01-28 11:25:38
38.   Schteeve
Francisco Liriano will pitch the following number of innings in 2008

a) 17
b) 150
c) 201
d) None.

2008-01-28 11:27:03
39.   Schteeve
If you could pick one player from the New England Patriots to play shortstop for "Your Favorite Baseball Club" you would choose

a) Tom Brady
b) Kyle Brady
c) Tom Brady
d) Tom Brady

2008-01-28 11:27:58
40.   Schteeve
If you could pick one baseball player to play for the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl you would choose

a) Darren Erstad
b) All of the Above

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