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Jose Canseco Uncovered!!!!!!
2005-08-05 22:09
by Scott Long

With the steroid story in baseball heating up and Jose Canseco looking more and more like a historian/soothsayer, it's time to do an update on what Jose is up to. First, though, let's take a look at what has happened to the other players who were requested to appear at the Senate hearings on steroids in baseball.

*Mark McGuire basically pleads the 5th at the hearings. Reputation in shambles.
*Sammy Sosa basically pleads the Cinco at the hearings. ("The Cinco" is like pleading the 5th by saying "my lawyers will answer since I can't speak English well enough to answer for myself.") Sosa's currently batting .239, with a slugging percentage .150 points below his lifetime average.
*Frank Thomas played only 34 games, before calling it a season, after fracturing his ankle.
*Curt Schilling, who has averaged 200 innings per year over the past 14 seasons, has pitched less than 34 innings and has an ERA two and a half runs higher than his career average.
*Rafael Palmiero. Uh, if you missed it, things are not going really well for him. Look for him at the Hall of Fame ceremony in 2010 signing autographs next to Pete Rose, across the street from the museum.

The dose of bad events that has happened to these men even trumps the Chunky Soup Curse. (The Chunky Soup Curse, which occurred at the turn of the century, brought a plague of injuries to pitchmen Terrell Davis, Kurt Warner, Jerome Bettis, Brian Urlacher, and Donovan McNabb.) Sure there are extenuating circumstances in regards to the problems that have befallen the baseball crew who spoke to Congress, but it does get you thinking there might be some kind of Jose Mojo* going on.
*Jose Mojo is a voodoo-like act perpetrated by the former slugger, not to be confused with the 1991 second baseman of the Padres, Jose Mota.

While things have spun badly for these players, our man Jose lives in a house with 6 extremely psuedo celebrities on VH1's "Surreal Life 5". Past Surreal Life casts have had some interesting moments, like furry and obese porn star Ron Jeremy and the spider lashed, former religious huckster, Tammy Bakker, finding common ground or Oakland A's former batboy/Charlie Finley spy, MC Hammer, preaching a sermon which moved bleached out and obese, Vince Neil enough to take inventory of his life or gold toothed, grandfather clock wearing around his neck, Flavor Flav falling head over domanatrix heels for bleached and salined obese, Brigitte Nielsen.

While I can't say I saw a lot of episodes of any of the first 4 Surreal Life's (a badge of honor), I will admit that what I did catch contained some entertaining moments from each of the casts, as there was a nice mix of egotistical talentless people making asses of themselves, while at the same time exploring their own humanity enough to be an interesting sociological experiment. This is not the case with Surreal Life 5, as it offers only the first part of this formula. Surreal Life 5 just might be the worst reality show I've ever seen.

You know things aren't going well for your show, when Jose Canseco is the most interesting person of your group. Jose, who is more buff and waxed than a vintage Corvette at an Auto Show, seems to have a serious desire to dress like a working girl at the Bunny Ranch. One episode, where the cast members have to put on a burlesque show, Jose strangely decides to wear white knee-high stockings with his leopard skin bikini briefs. I know Jose feels like he's was blacklisted from MLB, but if you like nylon elastic at your knees, go buy a pair of baseball stirrups and leave the stockings for the botoxed former supermodel. Maybe he got used to wearing panty hose, when he was under home arrest, as they were the only thing that would fit under his ankle detention bracelet.

My award for most in bad taste moment on television of 2005 occurs in an episode where the cast is told they will be remodeling the backyard at a shelter for battered women. Considering that Canseco had been accused of beating his former wife, (charges dropped) one might question why VH1 would decide to choose this group for Jose to be involved with, but hey, maybe it's part of some kind of community service from his barroom altercation in 2001. Look for Surreal Life 6, when Randy Johnson helps out the San Diego Zoo by building new bird cages.

Hopefully this update has filled you in on what are the current happenings for the cast of America's greatest reality show of 2005, "The Senate Steroids in Baseball Hearings." It will be hard to top the first year of this riveting reality show, but from the rumors currently circulating about what big league star will test positive next, "Steroids in Baseball 2" could be just as thrilling! Stay tuned here at The Juice for the latest news on all reality steroid programming!

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