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Anna Benson's Cy Young Award Presentation
2006-03-04 10:48
by Scott Long

While some of you are wasting your time reading the Sporting News or Baseball Prospectus to preview the 2006 season, I've went to the ultimate sports bible, FHM Magazine to get my MLB info. In their latest issue they have a segment on how Johan Santana plays a lot of baseball video games, because he says it helps him "learn what hitting zones hitters have the most trouble in." So kids, don't go outside and play catch and stop sitting in front of the TV watching Tom Emanski instruction tapes, as what you need to win a Cy Young is some quality time on your Gameboy.

If you need some extra motivation to win the Cy Young, check out Anna Benson's comments in the same FHM issue. Anna promised her husband, uber-dork Kris Benson a special treat if he wins the award. Anna waxed poetic to her husband this romantic promise.

If you win (Cy Young award) you can do anything to me. That's at least 50 times up the ass for real.
So once again, kids, let me stress it's important to start playing baseball video games, so you can be good enough to win a Cy Young award. I mean with Anna Benson's math, Roger Clemens should be pounding more tail than Rocco Siffredi. I wonder if Anna Benson has some kind of sex points scale, kind of like at Chuck-E-Cheese, where if you accumulate enough points you get a prize off of one of the shelves. Of course, on the top shelf is playing BUTTMAN 50 times.

In a related story, the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine features an article on Utah Jazz star Andre Kirilenko. In it, Kirlilenko's wife, Masha, says she has allowed him to sleep with one groupie per season. While many have made a lot of this deal, in the NBA a player only sleeping with one groupie a year is considered celibate. I'm sure even A.C. Green would have no problem with this arrangement.


While all the media outlets covered Barry Bonds dressing up as Paula Abdul, one important thing was left out about this story. Later that day, Bonds was offered to go on a dinner date with Eddie Murphy. Now that's an episode of Barry's new reality show I want to see.

2006-03-04 16:29:43
1.   Blah Blah Blah
Was I the only one who thought Barry in drag looked a teeny bit like Serena Williams?

Well, ok, maybe I was.

2006-03-05 18:20:29
2.   TFD
Hey, Ohio State won the BigTen. Seems to me someone close to me picked that.


2006-03-05 20:10:20
3.   chris in illinois
It would have been interesting to see what would have happened if O State had to travel to Champaign...I'm guessing a two-way tie for first.
2006-03-06 09:40:30
4.   Blah Blah Blah
And the best team in the country right now might just be....

North Carolina.

Amazing. (although I think it's really UCONN myself)

2006-03-06 14:41:35
5.   Brent is a Dodger Fan
I guess I need to re-write my FOY ballot now.

Anna Benson is no longer on my list for Feminist of the Year, 2006. A shame, really.

2006-03-07 11:06:28
6.   dianagramr
Hmmm ...

which will Kris hold to a lower # this season:
1) opponent's batting average
2) his average with Anna in scoring position

2006-03-07 13:03:23
7.   Scott Long

Nice line. Actually, to put up with that annoying bitch, the 3rd input is about all that's left that she can use to keep him interested. Anna Benson is a great date for maybe 2 months.

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