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Under the Spork!
2007-04-30 20:03
by Scott Long

A couple of years back, I created what I hoped would be a new feature at the Juiceblog entitled Under the Spork. The concept behind it was to do a parody of my blogging partner, Will Carroll's great regular feature at Baseball Prospectus, Under the Knife, but mix in with it the internet gossip-style which litters the net. Since I wrote the word SATIRE above the piece and had my name on top, I didn't figure anyone would see it as anything more than just a big goof.

 

I was wrong. Soon after, Will received a couple of angry emails from baseball executive types (including one you are well-aware of) who were upset by it and wondered why Will would "write such crap." We took it down, soon after. Well, now that Will has been in the rear-view mirror of this site for awhile now, I feel like it is time to bring it back. So remember, if you laugh or not, the idea behind this is satirical. I know that most old school baseball men think the only time comedy exists in the game is some Jay Johnstone bloopers show, but I think we need to be more future thinking. So here we go.

Powered by a case of Turkey and Gravy Soda, on to the latest baseball news.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner gave a vote of confidence to manager Joe Torre. Joe shouldn't sleep too easy, though, as our sources tell us that the Boss hired a medium to conduct a seance to see if the ghost of Billy Martin would be interested in coming back to manage the team for the rest of 2007. Martin did turn him down, but said that Bob Lemon would have some interest.

While many are focused on if Mark Prior or Kerry Wood will ever stay healthy for an entire season, we at Under the Spork are concerned about a bigger issue: Will Prior and Wood affect our health insurance rates? I mean these guys have been worked on more than a Chevy Beretta*. If I was Carlos Zambrano, I would be pissed off at the rates on my health insurance premiums.
*Beretta's were notoriously bad cars. Even though they were being made up until 1996, it is extremely rare to see one on the road. I believe less than 12 of the millions that were put into production kept their paint jobs longer than 3 years. Sadly, I know these things from experience, as my first car was a 1989 Beretta GT. GT standing for Gear Trouble.

So Alyssa Milano is writing a blog for MLB. We say so what if Miss Milano has targeted pitchers like Winona Ryder has targeted alternative rockers. We at Under the Spork say to Samantha it's cool that a hot chick like yourself is bringing sexy back to the baseball blogging world. Who are we to say that you shouldn't be able to share your cookies with any guy who takes the mound? We just offer this advice. Please demand safe sex. I mean these guys make a living pitching off the rubber.

Spoke to a friend who had been out of the country the past 3 years. He asked me "when did Washington DC get a new major league team?" I told him I had no idea what he was talking about, as the Nationals are not a "major league team", instead a new contraction experiment by MLB where they only exist to give wins to the rest of the National League. Kind of like what the Royals have been doing for the past 15 seasons.

Former All-Star Dale Murphy has started a foundation called "I Won't Cheat." The message Murphy is trying to preach is to keep kids off of performance-enhancing drugs. The mainstream media has been all over this story, missing another very worthwhile cause, Jose Canseco's Anabolic Allies. This foundation is focused on trying to help failing minor leaguers who are just one-step away from being bounced from Single A to a life of changing oil at a Jiffy Lube. Canseco's motto is "Do Not be a Quitter-Be an Anabolic Hitter!" First Surreal Life 5 and now this. Who says Jose Canseco isn't a visionary?

Finally, congrats to Magglio Ordonez on winning the first annual Oscar Gamble "How do you get your hair under that cap?" award. We expect that Mags will continue to win this coveted trophy, unless the Nationals pick up Sanjaya. Hey, you know if Bill Veeck was still alive, Sanjaya would have at least signed a 15-day contract.

This is all for now. Keep in mind that when it comes to the inside scoop on the baseball world, Under the Spork will be there to break all the stories the other media outlets have too much integrity to print.

 

Comments
2007-04-30 20:57:20
1.   Ken Arneson
The phrase "Under the Spork" still cracks me up every time.
2007-05-01 03:35:57
2.   JL25and3
Yeah, fantastic title.

As it turns out, Zambrano's health insurance premiums have remained quite reasonable. However, his copay is now up to $100K.

2007-05-02 11:00:21
3.   Will Carroll
Epic. All we need is Caliendo getting my voice down and delivering this on bad internet video :)
2007-05-02 11:30:49
4.   Scott Long
Unlike John Madden, Will realizes that parody is often the sincerest form of flattery. If you get any calls about this one, feel free to forward them to me. I will be sure to add them to my next Under the Spork.

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