(Today we have another stand-up comic story. I think this one will resonate with many of our readers. It was written by my friend, Rob Baxter, who is better known by just his last name. I highly recommend checking out his great website.
It's hilarious and surreal at the same time.)

I have gone were most men have only dreamed....The Playboy Mansion! But first a little bit about me.

My name is Baxter and I have been performing stand up comedy for 7 years. The past five years I have lived in Los Angeles, CA. I used to live in Milwaukee but wanted more than just performing at gun shows and being funny guy #3 at the bowling alley. Best job I have ever had is doing comedy. I thought it was great being able to pay rent by standing on stage telling stories and rattling off jokes. This was only surpassed by filming a commercial and getting paid a $1000.00 for making a funny face. As with most guys I have a wishlist! I recently was able to cross number 9 off my "things to do before I die at the age of 37 from excess" list. Who knew in the same year Asian hooker also got a check mark!

A buddy of mine appears sometimes on the Tom Leykis radio show (an afternoon relationship talk show which is very popular in SoCal). Last year he was invited to do a live remote from the Playboy Mansion. He could bring along one guest....he took his brother. He knew I was emotional over his choice. Listen, I love porn. I have a P.O. Box where on any given day, adult dvds, fireworks and samples from the vodka of the month club fill my slot. I thought my dream would end there. Six months later he went back to the mansion and I was riding shotgun! As we pulled up to the gate I knew this more than a roadtrip and better than a naughty nurses VHS tape. I was double checked by large men with earpieces, as the place had more security than any border crossing I've seen. In a sense we did cross from the real world into what many would consider science fiction.

I had always heard stories about the mansion and seen the pictures in a front of magazines, however to see it first hand sends the message home. Topless cuties walking around with chocolate covered fruit, naked oiled chicks giggling as they bounced on a trapoline, and my favorite.....a blonde hottie walking with a monkey on a leash! If this wasn't enough, imagine 20 of the most beatiful woman floating in a pool nude. I say pool, but in reality it's the "Grotto", which is a man-made pond with waterfalls and caves.

Back to the radio show.....the "Mickeys Widemouth Girls" were there wearing nothing but green allbody paint. My friend was asked to do something with the girls, but he said his marriage wouldn't survive it. As I consumed duty-free booze I heard my name broadcasted over the sound system, as my now best friend had volunteered me! My assignment was to come up to the stage and lick the M and S off of one of the chicks. Times like this I'm glad I paid attention in school. Those magical letters were strategically placed on top of her areolas. After a minute I felt a tug on my shirt...and was told to wrap it up. I guess slurping sounds don't make for good radio.

As I left the platform I felt like a rock star......no wait, it was like I just rescued a family of four from a burning building and then went back for Mr. Tinkles, the cat! A couple hundred people were chanting "Baxter, Baxter", as I made my way to the bar. It made me think, what's next? Running for Alderman? Rob Schnieder came up and high fived me and said "nice Bax". After getting kudos from Duece Bigalow, I felt great. Three hours later, I departed with a sunburn, a buzz, a boner and a story.

As I left the mansion I thought this WAS my Christmas morning! To the girls it was just another thursday. God I love thursdays!!

(You can check out his myspace page by clicking on Baxter on my frontpage friends list. As a bonus, Baxter's myspace page features pics of the girls that he nibbled on!)