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Schizo Scott: Say It Isn't So, Screech!
2006-06-14 23:35
by Scott Long

With all the news coming out of Iraq lately, a major story has been missed by the major media. Here at The Juice, we will try to rectify that. The story I'm talking about is the impending financial ruin of one Dustin Diamond, better known as "Screech" from Saved by the Bell.

Things have gone downhill so badly for Mr. Belding's class clown that he has resorted to selling t-shirts so he doesn't have his house in Port Washington, Wisconsin repossessed. Insted of going through the whole story, I recommend you hear it from Dusty, himself.

On a more positive note, Diamond was an in-studio interview on the Howard Stern Show this Tuesday, where he discussed his impending homelessness. Nevertheless, Howard, being the great investigative interviewer that he is, also took time to explore a popular internet rumor: that Screech packs (ahem) a Louisville Slugger. (Baseball reference just for you hardball fans.) According to Dusty, the rumors are true, and he wields 10 inches of lumber. Wow, this guy is the Clay Aiken of former child stars. If you want to read the transcript of this important interview, just go to the great Howard Stern recap site,, to learn more.

After hearing this information about "little" Dustin, I think the t-shirt thing is a waste of time. Where is the Screech Celebrity Porn tape? Skip the "Saved" part, Screech Rings Some Bells would be a great title. I also like Screech the Sex Teach. At least, let's have a Showgirls 2, with Screech reprising the part fellow SbtB alum Elizabeth Berkley had in the 1995 original. In the sequel, Screech plays a male dancer named ironically, Dustin Diamond (great Chippendale name), who just wants people to not think he is a whore. Call Joe Esterhas and Paul Verhoven -- I smell a Razzie.


I know a few of you have been gripped by World Cup fever, so I thought I would start regularly putting up a picture link on what makes the sport so meaningful to me. Today's link (NSFW and NSFH) I've titled "No Diamond in the Rough, Here."

(In case you were unaware what the acronyms stand for, NSFW is "Not Safe for Work" and NSFH is "Not Safe for Homophobes.")


The saddest part about the whole Ben Roethlisberger accident just might be that former Steeler QB Terry Bradshaw had lectured Ben about riding a motorcycle. If it wasn't bad enough that Ben busted his face up, at the same time he made Terry Bradshaw look smart. Ouch!


I've been asked by some readers about my thoughts on this season's Last Comic Standing. Instead of giving my reflections, let me redirect interested parties to the Shecky Magazine website. They have done a nice job of covering the show. The two things I will offer up that Shecky Magazine has also discussed are the following:

  1. Anthony Clarke offers nothing. I know Jay Mohr can be an acquired taste for some, but he did a great job of hosting the show the first two seasons. Considering that he was one of the people who thought up the show's concept, he seemed to really care about making the show work, unlike Clarke who seems to be just cashing a paycheck.

  2. This year's edition seemed to be focused on introducing younger comics, following the American Idol template. The problem with this is that many of the people in the house will struggle headlining clubs if they get some heat off the show. Season Two had really great comics for the most part, so with maybe a couple of exceptions, any of the finalists were already high quality headliners. I worry that as the weeks go by many of the acts will run thin on material. We'll see. There are 4 comedians out of the 10 who are high-quality standups.
As a few people who know me have asked, yes, I did appear briefly, during the first episode, standing on-stage during the finals of the Chicago competition. You would need a stop-action DVR to see me. On the brightside, at least I made the finals and wasn't portrayed badly, like one of my comic friends who was shown during the initial auditions.

After watching the first episode, the funniest, most charismatic comic shown was Jimmy Pardo. I was shocked he wasn't chosen to advance past Chicago, and let me add that if Last Comic Standing wanted to perk up the show, they would hire Pardo as host of the program. Truly, I don't get Anthony Clarke's success on television. Put him next to Whoopi Goldberg and Jimmy Fallon on the list of inexplicable stars in my eyes.

Despite these criticisms, Last Comic Standing is good for stand-up comedy, as it gives exposure to the craft. On the subject of stand-up, let me congratulate my good friend Dan Cummins on his network debut, doing a set on the Late Show with Craig Ferguson on Tuesday night. Go to to listen to some of his very original act.


Congrats to Will Carroll for his SABR writing award. If you haven't read The Juice, let me say that it holds up well. His chapter about the difficulties of testing for steroids and HGH seeming more prescient as each day goes by.


Finally, if you get a chance, let me remind again that I would love for you to become one my MySpace friends. It's a good chance for Juice Blog readers to create their own blogs and find out what other readers look like. Example: Check out the very cool picture of our own Ryan Wilkins with comedy genius Jim Gaffigan.

2006-06-15 08:41:40
1.   Todd S
How sad for Dustin. But at least he's stretching out his 15 minutes.

I guess I'm one of the few people who liked Jay Mohr immediately. I think my first exposure to him was that Fox show where he was an agent or producer or whatever. Of course, I didn't really care for the stuff that led up to the Polian interview/disaster, but I've seen worse reporting. (Just this past week in the Indy Star for instance.)

2006-06-15 09:05:35
2.   Scott Long
I wrote jokes for his failed ESPN talk show, so I'm not completely unbiased, but I think Jay is really missed on this year's show.

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