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NFL Resolutions for 2006
2006-01-03 19:29
by Scott Long

Well, it's that time of year, when hack writers like me do a New Year's resolution column. In this installment I will list the resolutions for some of the NFL's most intriguing people.

Minnesota Vikings- At our 2006 boat party, the only adult entertainment allowed will be a shuffleboard tournament.

Reggie Bush- My resolution is to stay alive in 2006, since I will probably be playing for the Houston Texans. Hopefully they will draft some USC lineman, because when I need protection I think of Trojans.

Michael Irvin- I will not let any of my "brothers" ride in my car, so I won't have to take any more pictures wearing an orange jumpsuit.

Matt Millen- I promise to hire a person who is easier to blame. Motor City football fans, meet your new Detroit Lions Coach. Former LAPD detective, Mark Furman.

Terrell Owens- My focus in 2006 will be to the best team player in the NFL. No seriously. Come on people I mean it. For example, if I end up with The Jets, those losers, I mean my new teammates, they will transform themselves from the example of the almighty TO. Hey being a team player sounds like fun.

Al Davis- I resolve to do what I do every off-season. Sign a bunch of over the hill, high priced free-agents and hire a puppet for a head coach. Oh things are looking up Oakland.

Carolina Panther cheerleaders- Next time we get really drunk and begin to make the sexy with each other, we will only do it in the privacy of our homes. Now if you are interested in seeing this, we will have a webcam set up at

Dick Vermeil- To find a job where my crying is welcomed.
1st choice: Official reviewer of Lifetime Movies.
Back-up plan: Prep cook at a food stand featuring onion rings.

John Madden: Will unveil my dead-on impression of Fox's Frank Caliendo.

Chad Johnson- To bring dignity back to end zone celebrations. From now on, when I score a touchdown, I will respectfully hand the ball back to the referee. I will then precede to---with much dignity---to light a wick which will set fireworks out of my ass.

Bill Parcells: To quit coaching to pursue my ultimate goal: Prowling the catwalks of Milan, as a Calvin Klein underwear model.

Mike Tice: I want to step away from football for the next couple months, well except for visiting the Super Bowl. I, of course, won't be in the stadium; I will be on the outside working as a scalper.

Chris Berman: In 2006 I will actually use a music reference from a band that didn't tour with Foghat.

Maurice Clarett- I will finally get a chance to show how I'm one of the best backs on the planet. Man is our Mean Machine team gonna kick the guards asses!

2006-01-04 09:37:11
1.   Blah Blah Blah
If the Panther cheerleaders don't become the richest-ever NFL cheerleaders, they have lousy agents.

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