Recently I was eating at a Chinese Buffet when at the table next to me; some selfish bastards cellphone went off at least 6 times over a 20 minute span. As annoying as this is, it was trumped by the ringtone being AC/DC's "Thunderstruck". Now I like Angus and the boys as much as any guy in his 30's who grew up in a white trash town, but there are very few songs which sound good coming from a cell speaker. One of the most amazing examples of human beings throwing their money away is downloading ringtones. I'm not saying I'm completely innocent of joining the stupid train, as I downloaded The Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go" when I first purchased my Sidekick, but things have gotten out of control.

As the self-appointed Czar of cellphone rules, can I ask that if you get a lot of calls, turn your volume down or better yet, set it to vibrate. Let me suggest if you want a really cool, unique ringtone, go to frankcaliendo.com and download his free offerings. Frank is the greatest impressionist since Monet. How cool would it be to have Al Pacino or Jim Rome telling you to pick up your phone? Phenomenal! Or maybe you feel the need to have President Dubya or Ted Knight beg you to answer. Come to think of it, I think Bush might have based his performance as President of the United States on the Knight character Ted Baxter. (Oh and while you are at the site, check out his CD's and DVD's.)

One final note on the subject. The only positive of this jackass' phone distortedly blasting Brian Johnson in constant rotation was that it was able to drown out the Chinese muzak rattling from the ceiling. Despite these buffets being inhabited almost solely by fat Caucasians, these restaurants always play godawful Chinese clanging. Does anyone really feel cheated by not having Chinese music play when they shovel platefuls of Americanized Chinese food down their gullets? I bet you could make a lot of money starting a Chinese buffet chain which played easy listening music.

While not having a degree in Chinese history, one of my favorite courses in college was entitled "The Opium Wars to Mao", so I have some book-smarts on the subject. My bet is that not having to listen solely to traditional Chinese music will be enough to keep the Chinese people from wanting to revert back to Communism. Put me in the camp that says American crass media is so addictive that it spreads globalism more effective than anything else. Keep on Rockin' in the Free World!

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While I'm discussing China, have you heard about this bird flu? I'm guessing a significant portion of you haven't, since you are instead holed up in an efficiency apartment spending every waking hour trying to break down the newest mathematical equation which proves the worth of left-handed backup catchers. Well for you John Nash's, there's this deal where a deadly virus spread by Chinese Chickens threatens to wipe out the human race. I bring it up because in a recent issue of The Week , it described how the chickens were killed when trying to wipe out the bird flu.

How they kill the birds. Gas them in a large room or hang birds upside down and submerge them in electrified water.

I don't know about you, but I think this is what should happen each week to losing contestants on American Idol.