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Societal Critic at Large: Scott Long
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Thanks to the Minnesota Vikings, TO..........
2005-11-18 08:15
by Scott Long

As a sketch writer for the NFL on Fox pregame show, I have to keep a sharp focus on the underworld on Pro Football. I thought it was time to share some of my thoughts on the league.

For the past 3 years, the Minnesota Vikings have made my job progressively easier, so I want to take this time, with the Thanksgiving holiday almost upon us to thank them for their efforts. Even funnier is that this team is not out of the playoff hunt, as the NFC North is just looking for its own San Diego Padres to play sacrificial lamb in the post-season. What has been lost with all the party boat discussion is the other freaky stuff going on in the league.

The only subject I want to deal with in regards to Terrell Owens was his comments about Bret Favre and Donovan McNabb. Sure TO makes Omarossa look like a team player, but his point about Favre being superior to McNabb in 2005 is statistically true. Green Bay has been in almost every game they've played, despite a defense that has had less quality hits than the Miami Sound Machine. Look at the current roster of the Packers. I've seen more talent at an Alaskan strip club. The worst part of the team is its running game, which was putrid, until they found some guy name Samkon Gado (don't write this name in Microsoft Word, as it will cause your spell-check to explode.) The Packers offensive line is great at pass blocking. When Bret goes back to pass, they pass on blocking.

Remember when the Ravens were good? Many (including me) thought they would make the playoffs this year, but everything has fallen apart. Things started badly before the season even began, when Jamal Lewis was sentenced during the off-season. I'm surprised Fox didn't use him in their ads for Prison Break. Synergy people!
The Ravens have had one touchdown in the last 4 weeks. This team couldn't even score on Tara Reid. The best example of their ineptitude was when they had 21 penalties called against them versus the Lions. The game had more flags in the air than are in front of the United Nations building. Someone should fire Brian Billick.

Another big disappointment has been the New York Jets. It was amazing how many prognosticators looked the other way, pretending that Chad Pennington would figure out a way to play the whole year, despite having a worse arm than Mike Piazza. So the Jets brought back Vinnie Testerverde to be their savior. This despite Vinnie;

…needing to pop Levitra's just to keep the ball in the air.
…putting polygrip in his mouthpiece.
…filling his Gatorade cups with Ensure.
…receiving a senior citizen's discount when visiting the concession stand.
Nice backup plan, Jets. Sorry, but you know your quarterback's too old when Anna Nicole Smith thinks he's the "marryin' type."

With TO and the Vikings, Ricky Williams has stayed out of the limelight. Next to Lance Armstrong, I doubt there is an athlete under more scrutiny than him. I mean, Ricky must get tested even more than a double major during Finals week. Considering the price of gas, I suggest Ricky and Robert Downey Jr. should move into together, just so they can carpool to their daily piss tests. Hey, I'm just trying to find ways to conserve.

One of my favorite moments of 2005 was when Number one pick Alex Smith said after his first start that he was "encouraged" by his performance. This despite throwing four interceptions and only leading his team to a total of three points.
I can just imagine how different the quotes would have been in sports history, if Alex Smith had written them.

Scott Norwood- "Yeah it went a little to the left. Big deal."

Chris Webber- "Oh, we were out of timeouts? I'll make a note for next time."

Bill Buckner- "So the ball went between my legs. Shit happens."

Steve Bartman- "Don't worry, the Cubs will win next year."

NFL Picks

3 star Tampa Bay (+6) Atlanta
3 star Carolina (-3) Chicago
3 star Buffalo (+11) San Diego
2 star New Orleans (+10) New England

College Pick

3 star Oklahoma (+8) Texas Tech

I only have one college pick, because I've been in a slump over the past few weeks and couldn't find anything besides this game I felt strongly about. The Sooners have figured out a lot of their early season troubles and they have superior athletes, so the game should be close.

2005-11-20 23:17:25
1.   X X X
My neighbor has problems with Ravens coming into his backyard and eating the fruit in his garden.

Perhaps he should put up goalposts - seems to be keeping the baltimore ravens out of the endzone....

2005-11-21 08:04:42
2.   Mrs Bear
I found this article delightfully funny! I'm glad our team has provided you with enough material to use your wit to your full advantage! Too bad the wit of the Vikings isn't always evident. Evidently, their common sense isn't either but I love them anyway. It's kind of like your kids - no matter what they do you hope that when they "grow up" they'll actually make something of themselves. My hope for NOW is that they make it to the Playoffs. Perhaps that will dull the memories of their past bad behavior and they can replace them with something to be proud of!
2005-11-21 08:52:50
3.   Todd S
What can I say? I was born to nit-pick...

The Jets signed Jay Fiedler in the offseason to be their backup to The Chad. He got hurt in the same game that Pennington did. So they actually had a reasonable plan in place, only to have it not work out. Mawae fell off a cliff this year before he got hurt.

Norwood missed right, FWIW. (Not much.)

I also thought the Ravens would make the playoffs, but Boller proved me wrong again. Surely with Derrick Mason he could find a receiver once in awhile. Oops...his OL took a step backwards too, cancelling out Mason. I think it's time for them to part ways with Billick. He's got a good overall record, but this year has been pretty bad. (Yesterday's win notwithstanding.) Injuries have hurt, yes, but the guy can't even figure out that Chester Taylor is his best running back, despite the mounting evidence.

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