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2005-08-26 18:30
by Scott Long

Had a list of topics I wanted to get to, so here is my latest, written for those with short-attention span's.

The last issue of Sporting News has an interesting cover piece entitled "The Stats that Matter". While the baseball section of their special report, offers little new, the sections on football and basketball are worth checking out. It seems like basketball is the sport which statheads can impact the most at this point, as outside of few people like Dean Oliver, the subject has been virtually ignored. In the college basketball section, Juice Blog friend, Ken Pomeroy is focused on. If I was a professional handicapper, I would be checking Ken's stats on a daily basis.

I thought Maxim magazine had dedicated its focus on sexy women, but this month they must have decided to go a different direction, because their covergirl was the homely heiress, Nikki Hilton. I've never understood the sex symbol status of Paris Hilton (though the Carl's Jr./Hardees ad was pretty hot), but she is a goddess compared to her sister. Considering that neither one of these sisters have any discernible talent, outside of being media whores, I have no problem ripping them. The real truth is that Kathy (mom) is the hottest Hilton. (Primo MILF) I could go into any major city nightclub on a weekend night and I would bet half the women in the bar would be better looking than Nikki Hilton. Same goes for Ashley Simpson, but at least she has a nice rack.

While a little late to the party, (see my post below), Nicholas von Hoffman of the Huffington Post, has a piece on the Are those at the liberal version of the Drudge Report checking The Juice for story ideas? I wouldn't be surprised, but Nicky von (as I call him) has a different spin on the XXX.Church, taking the angle that it's the religious who are most afflicted by porn.
"The Christian porn slave is more likely to pop the gun in his pants than pop off a Venezuelan politician. Porn, considering the thoughts it gives rise to, is life affirming. Porn addicts do not pay good money to get onto those websites to see doctors kill babies. Religious people are more susceptible to porn dependency than normal people. Religion and porn are both highly repetitive activities. They are conditioned to enjoy repetition. Same prayers over and over, same muff shots over and over." (All of you who are for the abolition of weasel wrapping, please send your cards and letters to Nick von Hoff and not me, as I do not agree with all of Nicky vH's comments, though I hope at his age to filled with as much venom.)

If you are short on time, I highly recommend subscribing to The Week magazine, as it compiles information from the top newspapers and magazines to give you a breakdown on what is newsworthy across the continent. A short blurb in this week's issue caught my eye. "British police announced they are searching for a man dressed in only a diaper who approaches women on the street and asks if they know of any nearby diaper changing stations." (Since the man was not described as wearing a Twins baseball cap, in addition to his Huggies, my initial thought that it could be TFD is probably misplaced.)

Finally, for those of you that are upset that baseball is being ignored around here, let me offer that September's Playboy magazine features a short article and pictorial with Jose's ex, Jessica Canseco, who is a superfinefox. Top quote from her is that "Jose's (testicles) were nonexistent. They're not there." Jessica did offer up that the human growth hormone Jose was taking had made his penis larger. "Your penis is a muscle, so it makes it heavy, solid," she says. "He was very well-endowed down there."
All I know is I'm looking forward to Will breaking down this piece of medical info in his next Under the Knife colunn.

2005-08-26 20:32:59
1.   Will Carroll
Jose Canseco's ... no, I'm not touching that. Literally.

Must go wash my brain.

2005-08-26 21:06:35
2.   Jeremy Reed
Scott, I appreciate the humor, but do you have to scrape the knuckles of the reader?


The Hilton sisters and the Simpson sisters and the Duff sister are worth one line at best. All six of them.

And, unless the breasts are natural, they aren't worth the time.

You could hang out at mall and in 15 minutes find more attractive women with more talent.

2005-08-27 06:41:13
3.   TFD
2005-08-27 13:07:13
4.   Anthony
"written for those with short-attention span's"

With short attention span's what?

2005-08-27 14:34:03
5.   adenzeno
OK-I may have missed this- was it known in MAY!! that palmeiro tested positive for steroids?? this is UNCONSCIONABLE if true that it was allowed to go unpunished so long- How can THIS have slipped by the media-can any one explain this if it is true?
2005-08-27 18:21:00
6.   Scott Long
Jeremy, I try to have a mix of high brow and low brow humor, but often the comedy that causes the most gut-busting reaction is extreme on the knuckle dragging level. Loosen up people.
2005-08-27 19:23:47
7.   Jeremy Reed
Is that because the low brow would be the one's that allow their guts to bust?

Funny is funny.

You don't have to go trolling to appease stupid people. Just use a lot of props, maybe objects that shine.

When describing a woman's beauty, though, if she actually is beautiful, have some respect.

If she's a skank, just say so and move on.

2005-08-28 08:40:48
8.   Scott Long
Mr Reed,

Your comments are quite similar to your batting average, one out of four are hits.
I'm willing to take advice on a lot of topics, but considering I'm a standup comic who has performed all over the country, at the top clubs in the country, besides writing comedy for tv, I will have to take a raincheck on your advice. I'm not delusional enough to believe that everything I write is going to work for everyone, but my goal is to write for a large audience, not just for a niche one.
"When describing a woman's beauty, though, if she actually is beautiful, have some respect." WTF does that supposed to mean? Jessica Canseco is really hot, despite her saline feedbags, but to go beyond that, it would appear like she is a starf*ucker from her article, so I'm not giving out any more respect besides she nice to look at.
Please continue with your writing and content advice, as it makes for interesting rebuttals.

2005-08-29 07:47:54
9.   RickM
Whew … that's a lot of stuff for one article … OK … here goes …

I've always wondered why no one has analyzed basketball, especially pro basketball. They play lots of games, there should be some correlation between statistics and the tendency to win, and there's a significant amount of history available. I'm wondering who could be the Bill James of Basketball? With all due respect to Football Prospectus, I'm not sure how you would use statistical analysis to breakdown team performance in football, college or pro. Short seasons, short careers, etc. I believe we've found another reason that baseball is better than football. Someone call Tom Boswell.

Now that Paris has become a movie star, and I don't mean on the big screen, I imagine everyone fantasizes that she has the same "talents" as her sister, that and a load of money. Maybe it's my advanced age, but if you threw the lot of them (Paris, Nikki, Jessica, Ashley, etc.) into a box, shook it up, and dumped one out, I don't think most people could tell you who she is. Celebrity has become the new talent. I don't know what Jessica Simpson's music sounds like, but my guess is that it is insipid. Which means that what is keeping her on the cover of People magazine is on her chest, her stupidity, and the chances that her husband is cheating on her. Nice work if you can get it.

I like Nick Von Hoffman! Who could compare porn and religion and find common ground. I'm going to have to read Huffington Post more often.

At least the British police know how the suspect is dressed.

Finally … a subject I know something about … not really. I read the article by the ex Mrs. Canseco, who is better looking than any of the media whores noted above. While not understanding the physical implications, it would have been more interesting just to say that the steroids did turn his grapes into raisins, but they did put more wood into his bat.

2005-08-30 06:32:25
10.   Blah Blah Blah
John Wooden was using points-per-possession 35 years ago. And other coaches have been well versed in the concept, among some of the others mentioned. So, unlike with a lot of baseball analysis, this is a case where the public is learning what the coaches already knew. So your example is well-placed - it might help the gambler, but it won't affect the sport like it can with baseball.

I just don't think there's that much (relatively speaking) analysis to do in basketball in terms of tactics, it's a sport where those concepts are fairly clear, but it's a matter of the players who best execute the concepts. So the interesting analysis would, I guess, be in figuring the most effective players based on some hidden analyses - for instance, figuring the opposing team's shooting % (by player guarded and by team) for every minute each player is on the floor to get a better view of real defensive ability, etc.

Football is another matter - enormously complex.

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