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XXXChurch.Com is on the Porn Patrol
2005-08-23 20:51
by Scott Long

Note: This post has some links to sites which are adult in nature.

I'm sure many of Baseball Toaster's readers have serious porn addictions. I know I would think less of you, if you didn't. Now, for those of you that feel that you need to gain some control of your seedy desires, let me present,

X3Church is an organization started by 2 young pastors, focused on bringing awareness to hairy palms. They describe their mission on their website this way.

"Hey a little porn never hurt anybody, right? C'mon dude! Get a clue. A little porn is like a little heroine(sic). It's gonna jack you up one way or the other. I know this may be a surprise to some of you, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. You have got to decide what type of person you are going to be."

Well, from reading this description, I would have to classsify myself as a big cake eater. The church has made it's money from the beginning of time, trying to make people feel badly about their predelictions, so I guess it would only make sense that some "dudes" like Pastor Bill and Ted would tinker with the whole "spare the rod" bibical verse." These haters of slapping the greasy gopher follow in a line of religious zealots like John Harvey Kellogg, who started his cereal company as part of his fanaticism against all things sexual. Here was his following idea about masturbation.

"A remedy for masturbation which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment."

All I can say is a life without burping the worm would leave one with a serious case of grape nuts. Just like anything else, too much time spent on a hobby can be a problem. (you know who you are--- you, who spend 6 hours a day on, pumping the gas at the self-service island to shapely young lasses face-sitting on willing participants.) If you fit this description, maybe you might need an intervention, which the reverends against the two finger taco tango would be glad to help you with.

With the help of their friend, Pete the Porno Puppet, these men of the (wash) cloth want to help you with your addiction. Personally, I think these two need to come to grips with themselves, literally and figuratively, but maybe they can help you. Remember, I'm just here to serve my readers.

2005-08-23 22:27:08
1.   photogirl
Hypocrites! 2 of my old male friends from highschool are now ministers. Yet while in Highschool and College they were the biggest whores ever. Whateva.


Kerry Haas ;-)

2005-08-24 07:50:32
2.   TFD
OK, on another subject, if you'll permit, Scott...

How in the hell do Dan O'Dowd and Clint Hurdle still have jobs??? Does anyone have an answer??

back to your regularly scheduled programming

2005-08-24 08:42:28
3.   Loogy
Wow! You actually have a problem with a couple of guys who want to help people addicted to porn?
Porn does control and mess up some people's lives. (I did not say "all")
Would it matter to you if these guys were trying to do the same thing but weren't connected to religion in some way?
2005-08-24 09:11:51
4.   Ryan
Looking at pr0n makes baby Jesus cry.
2005-08-24 09:41:51
5.   RickM
If God didn't want us to look at naked women, why did he make them look so darn good?

Loogy ... I'm even more respectful of the truly religious and faithful who are helping those with serial masturbation, because I think they are sincere, with no hidden agenda. Imgine if this was some politician.

2005-08-24 10:47:26
6.   Another Tom
Cake and porn in the same sentence!?! Sensory overload...

Being a boob guy I don't quite get the Smother fetish - but hey, to each their own.

As Dennis Miller said about his duck billed platypus...

By the way, the slip of "a little porn is like a little heroine" is absolutely priceless. Maybe they didn't mean to spell it incorrectly, maybe that's their fetish - the whole Xena-thing. She was a heroine, wasn't she?

2005-08-24 10:49:54
7.   Scott Long
I have a problem with people demonizing masturbation. Religion has always been the leader on this front.
Now, my biggest problem with feminism has been many of its leaders (Dworkin, etc) who tried to make all pornography portrayed as evil, so I'm not just pointing out religion as the only group.

Like about anything else, obsessing on anything is unhealthy. I'm a believer that adults should have freedom of choice, so if it's between consenting adults, it's cool with me.

2005-08-24 10:52:29
8.   Scott Long
I don't get the whole smother thing, either, but it does really make me laugh. Now, if Britney Spears (circa 2003) was involved, you might have a convert.
2005-08-25 10:29:06
9.   jgpyke
And these guys are hindering you how? I don't get it. Let go of your anger.
2005-08-25 10:35:48
10.   Scott Long
What they are dishing up is a Peter North-sized load of bunk. Telling people not to masturbate is ridiculous. If you read my piece and thought I was angry about this, you have no sense of humor. If you want to talk about someone who needs to let go of his anger, let me recommend Pat Robertson. My recommendation to relieve anger is actually masturbation. Hard to have that emotion, after a happy ending.
2005-08-25 12:57:54
11.   Blah Blah Blah
Heh, the problem is not porn or masturbation per se. OTOH, some of the things that get certain people off are just a wee bit disturbing.

Good luck reaching those guys, my Reverend friends.

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