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Outtakes from Canseco's "Juiced" (SATIRE)
2005-02-16 12:11
by Scott Long

With so many juicy tales told in Jose Canseco's new book, little has been made about what didn't get past the lawyers. Here are some exclusive outtakes from "Juiced" that were not cleared.

Jose tells about his birthplace of Havana and then outlines how he was heavily involved in the Cuban Missile Crisis. I<92>m sure some skeptics will challenge him on this, since the Cuban Missile Crisis happened in 1962 and Jose wasn<92>t born until 1964.

He outlines a conversation that took place in the A's lockerroom with a teammate.
Canseco: "Yeah, well I hear that (name withheld) is a big homo. He better not try to get close to me in the shower. (teammate nods in agreement) Well, it's time to go work out, so drop your pants and bend over so I can put this needle in your ass."

Jose states that not only did Tony LaRussa know that he was using, but LaRussa had only one rule on the subject. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO YOURSELF, BUT NO TESTING ON ANIMALS.

He tells the tale of his date with Madonna. She told him that she really had an intellectual connection with him and felt feelings of love for him. Because of this he would be the only guy in the past 6 years that she would not have sex with. Jose responds by shrugging his shoulders and saying no big deal, then has a threesome with Rosie O'Donnell and Sandra Bernhard, who were staying with Madonna at the time.

Admits that he started so many players on the path towards steroids that he's the first human being classified by the DEA as a gateway drug.

We learn that Texas Rangers General Managing Partner, George W. Bush, was aware of players steroid use. Jose tells how his "juice" dealer at the time was a man named Karl Rove, who Canseco later introduced to Bush. (When contacted, now President Bush says he has no recollection of this event and also added that he has no recollection of saying there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.)

Jose discusses how in 1994, Rafael Palmiero asked Jose if there was any drug out there that would help with erectile dysfunction. Over the next 3 months, Jose works in his state of the art laboratory he had built in his mansion and comes up with the product, which would later be known as Viagra. He shares his info with Palmiero, who betrays Jose by giving the information to Pfizer.

His explanation of how the whole flyball hitting him on the head and bouncing over the fence for a homerun was that it was done on purpose. "I had been testing a new steroid that I would shoot into the soft tissue of my cranium and wanted to see if it was working. COMPLETE SUCCESS!"

Jose tells what hat he would wear to his Hall of Fame induction. Not an A's, Rangers or Devil Rays hat, but how he has set up a sponsorship deal to wear a hat, if elected to Cooperstown.

He tells how he never spent one day of his sentence confined in his home, instead tricking authorities by having his twin brother Ozzie get fitted for the ankle brace.

Believes he was blacklisted from baseball because he was a communist sympathizer and felt Donald Fehr should follow the union tactics of Eugene Debs.

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