Ok, here’s my pitch for a new blockbuster show for ESPN Classic. Take 2 legendary sportswriters and put them together with 2 of the buffoons ESPN claims work in the same profession. Call the show, Around the Horn, the Classic Edition. Here are some highlights of the pilot episode.
Tony Reali: Today we have 4 esteemed sportswriters on the panel to break down the events of the day. Grantland Rice, Jim Murray, Skip Bayless, and Woodie Paige. Let’s start with Jim Murray. What do you think of Tiger Woods throwing his club on the 18th, yesterday.
Murray: Show me a man who is a good loser and I will show you a man who is playing with his boss.
Reali: I give you 2 points for that one, though it was kind of brief. I will have to dock you a point, though, for those coke-bottle glasses. They aren’t very telegenic.
Paige: Hey, that wasn’t bad, Jimbo, but I have to take exception somewhat. Tiger is a role-model and he should behave like one. At least that is what the producers of the show want me to say, as I’m paid not to speak from the heart, but to offer up a contrary point to stir things up. My integrity is tied to my paycheck.
(We see Murray role over in his grave. Twice.)
Bayless: Well according to the ESPN fan poll, 53% of participants felt Woods acted inappropriately.
Rice: I will offer up that a wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
Paige: Look at you with your fancy words. I guarantee you the focus groups won’t have you making a return appearance.
Murray: My sight might not be great, but I can smell a couple of hacks in the room and they are the 2 in the room that don’t even have decomposing bodies.
Bayless: I think the smell you are referring to is probably peroxide. Woodie and I had our tips done before the show.
Rice: You 2 sirs are buffoons of the highest order.
STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 2, WHEN BILL PLASCHKE AND RED SMITH ARGUE THE MERITS OF DAVID BECKHAM.