I was performing in Milwaukee, WI last weekend, and one of the pleasures of this underrated city is free print copies of The Onion at newsstands wherever you go. As a result, I want to link to the paper's recent piece that breaks down the Chicago Cubs season for 2006.

The essence of the story is that, despite a good start, Dusty Baker believes that the team will begin to flounder soon enough. While some might see this piece as just a satire, didn't they say the same about Jonathan Swift's work? Make sure to read the side-box featuring how after an "800-pitch throwing session" to help further strain the ligaments in his right shoulder, Mark Prior's arm popped out of its socket and completely detached from his body. I don't know how Mr. Under the Knife missed this story, but I'm there once again to back him up.

File under the category of Not Safe for Work (unless you are employed by Evil Angel): Angelina Jolie's former lesbian lover has gone on record saying her relationship with Brad Pitt will never last. I would like to share this quote from said former-lover, Jenny Shizmu, which appeared in the very classy British tabloid, The News of the World:

Angelina and I walked to the swimming pool, looked at each other and slowly stripped naked. It was a beautiful clear night and we could see each other's bodies under the moonlight. Then we both dived in and wrapped our arms around each other. The feeling of the water got us both excited and for what seemed like hours we caressed each other under the surface, kissing again and again. Angelina loved to wax herself all over and didn't have a hair on her body—and under the water I could feel every bit of her."