One of the worst things about the internet age has been the forwarded email from friends. If you are like me, about 90% of them are a waste of my time and some are so worthless, I start to rethink my friendship with the person who sent it to me. Every once in while, though, someone sends me something I really like. The following is an a correspondence between 2 people who used to date, which I think might just be the funniest email anyone has ever sent me. I have changed the names of everyone in it and have deleted the locations, instead just giving generic descriptions in parenthesis. I beg of you to read the whole thing, because if you enjoy it half as much as I did, you will thank me profusely, afterwards.

Dear Gary:

I have had a difficult time, over the past few years, achieving
closure of our relationship. It is time for me to seek this. I
have gone through the appropriate stages of anger, remorse, sadness.
It is now time for me to close this chapter of my life. I am trying
to recapture my life and gain a sense of identity back.

In my professional life I have done this, but my personal life
struggles. For so long I/We were "Kara and Gary", that it is hard
to gain my own identity back. I am not worried about my career; I
will soon succeed even my wildest dreams. I am just stunted by my
personal life.

I am ready to release you from my life. I also on a weekly basis
encounter people who want to tell me about you or have a discussion
about you. I do not want to deal with this anymore. I do have a
proposal on how to handle this.

I am ready to no longer be forced to deal with your presence. As to
how to deal with it, I propose the following:

1. I've heard you have an apartment on the West side. You need to
move out of the West side of (Midwest city), this has always been my
side of town, I own a house here, and do not rent like you. I
grew up here, and always want to live here. I would prefer if you
were to leave (Midwest city) all together, but I know this is more than
I can ask.I do not want to risk running into you at any store.

2. We should officially divide our friends. Particularly John,
Jen, Ann, and Ernie. You should write them, thanking them for the
opportunity to be their friend and explain why you can no
longer be in contact with them. I can provide you with addresses, if
you need.

3. I will stay out of Republican politics. I promise not to get
involved with any Republican politics, unless my father runs for
judge, and than I reserve the right to work on his campaign.

4. I would like you to not have anything to do with all things
(Catholic High School). I feel I should have ownership of the school since my
mother works there and my brother and sisters went there. You are
more tied to (small Midwestern college). This should be where you dedicate your alumni
status. I will be involved in (Catholic High School). When the time of reunions
comes up, I am willing to say that you can have the reunions ending
in "0" years and I will take the "5" years. So you can have 10 years
and I will take 25 years.

5. I will avoid (small Midwestern college) contacts. The few guys from the house I still
speak to on a rare basis, I will not. I will also discourage any male
offspring I have from attending (small Midwestern college).

I know some of these things seem a bit harsh, but I feel they are
for the best. I do not ever really wish to see you again. I know
that this will of course happen beyond my control, but I think we
should do our best to avoid what we can.

It is my sincere hope that you understand, and do take the time to
respond. This is my last request of you.

With fondness,

Kara

Dear Kara,

Thanks for your letter. We broke up 3 years ago. Knowing that and
taking into consideration you believe me to be a cold, career
focused, ego-maniac, what on earth makes you think I would take the
time to think about you or agree to your proposal? But since I
clearly have taken the time to respond, please take a moment to
review some comments and counterproposals I have crafted.

1. First, I will have to resist the burning urge to move RIGHT NEXT
DOOR TO YOU. After that deep desire subsides, I will vacate the
Westside and return to my roots: The Snooty Northside, as you used to
call it. However, since I was born on the Northside and I have
Northside in my veins you must abdicate all ties to the North. This
includes: Living on the Northside, living on the Northeastside,
walking down North Street, being a fan of the Dallas Stars (formerly
the Minnesota North Stars), wearing North Face apparel or telling
your children that Santa lives at the North Pole.

1 (B). I was born in (Midwest City) before you were so I should really
get to determine who stays and who goes. In my benevolence I will let
you exist here only within the Parish boundary (MLK Dr.
to (particular street) and 56th Street to 10th St.) We will call this the
KaraZone. This should be acceptable for you as your family lives
across the street and there is a gas station, grocery, convenience
store, your place of employment and a fire station. Exceptions can be
made with my expressed written consent. You will be required to
display a large tag in your windshield giving you permission to
travel beyond the KaraZone.

2. I haven't talked to your friends since we broke up. I think they
got the message. However since we apparently are still in fourth
grade, please have your friends meet me by the playground at recess
so that I can tell them they have big fat heads and they aren't my
friends anymore.

Do you agree? _______Yes ________No________Maybe

2 (B). One of the few times you let us do something fun, we visited
some of my family friends on the Lake. It was about eight years ago. We
enjoyed their boat and home for several hours during a pre-car race
party. Please jot them a note saying you are going to forget that
ever happened. Please also offer to reimburse them for the boat gas,
pool chlorine, air conditioning Freon, Dr. Pepper and anything else
you consumed while you were there. I don't have their address
anymore, you can look it up.

3. Please let me know when your father runs for anything. I'm going
to run against him.

3 (B). Thanks for staying out of Republican politics. Your
heavyweight presence in the party will be sorely missed. I am very
involved in ice hockey. I play recreationally and coach a youth team
in the winter. I would prefer it if you could stop being involved in
all things related to ice and ice hockey . You can use those instant
first aid coldpaks to cool your drinks from now on.

4. Christ, I don't have the energy for this one.

5. If any of my friends from (small midwestern college) actually still talk to you, they are
fired as friends.

5 (B). I'm not going to tell my kids anything about you. But
speaking of kids, it would be okay with me if my son was a crack
addict, just as long as he got your kids hooked on it and became
their dealer.

In closing, I will never make decisions about my life or my family
based on whether I might run into you at the store. I am now
convinced that if we ever do bump into each other, you will
spontaneously combust. I wish you the best of luck find a spouse.
Seriously. It won't be easy to find a person who is willing to
spend the rest of his life raising children and making decisions
based on your crazy-ass proposal to an ex-boyfriend and your
inability to act like a rational human being.

All my best,

Gary