Baseball Toaster was unplugged on February 4, 2009.
scott@scottlongonline.com
I've been looking for a niche to fill in the sports/entertainment for the past couple of years. Considering that Will Carroll's "Under the Knife" and the gossip info on Page 6 in the New York Tabloids are so entertaining, I've thought it's time to mesh the two. What "Under the Spork" is about is discussing more internal issues which are affecting baseball players, but done in the gossip tradition of just giving hints of who I'm talking about. By using this method, it allows me to completely make up what I'm writing, without getting sued. Hopefully you enjoy my first installment. While reading this, keep in mind that this is important stuff, people.
We are hearing that a certain Red Sox pitcher is playing with a a bad case of the clap. He might be forced to go on the 15 day DL, if it doesn't clear up.
One of your favorite Yankee infielders is such a prodigious farter that many of his teammates refuse to sit next to him on the bench. It has been suggested that a couple former coaches left for this particular reason.
If injuries weren't a big enough problem for the Dodgers, an insider tells the SPORK that one of its current bullpen members will be seeing Dr. Andrews. The pitcher's suffering from an elbow problems, not caused from a slider or curveball, but because of too much time spent throwing a spitball in his hotel room while perusing Bangbros.com.
(Extreme Sarcasm ahead.) On a side note, I don't know about you but I sure wish I could get a little info on Tom Cruise's baby. (sarcasm finished) Seriously, I would rather be teabagged by a sweaty Todd Jones than have to listen to L. Ron* Cruise tell me about his new child. Dude, you're creepy. I'm thinking about watching Top Gun again, just so I can change my rooting interest from Maverick to the Iceman.
The Spork has been told that a mole exists in the Cubs front office that was planted by the White Sox. This mole spends much of his time sticking pins in voodoo dolls he has made up of Cubs players. Derek Lee is his latest victim. Interestingly, he does not have a voodoo doll of Wood or Prior, as he feels that would just be a waste of his time. "I mean those guys couldn't stay healthy if Jesus was their pitching coach", the Mole told us.
We have a lot of juicy stories about the Royals, but since not even Rany and Rob really care about the team anymore, we have decided not to run it.
Is it me or does singer James Blunt have a voice made to sing Leo Sayer songs at Kareoke? "When I Need You, I Just Hold Out My Hand and I Touch You...."
Finally, there is a player on an AL West team that does not cheat on his wife. We at the SPORK have decided to withhold his name, so as not to embarass and ostracize him from his fellow teammates. Shameful. Come on man, get with the program. There are a lot of Baseball Annie's out there that need some love, so quit being so selfish by just sharing it with your wife.
*See comment No. 2.
Word that are heavy with nothing but trouble.
Incidentally, I just looked it up, and the L in L. Ron actually stands for "Lafayette." I guess back in the 1910s and '20s you could actually have a name like that and not be taunted in a life-scarring way as a kid. Or maybe.....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L._Ron_Hubbard
Fascinating stuff, really, especially the part where he submitted a forged document to the Navy to try to collect on his supposed dozens of military medals, when the Navy's version of the document tells a completely different story (he was actually awarded 4 medals in total, 3 of which he got simply for being in the service during certain points of time around WWII). There's a neat bit at the end with all the parodies/references to him in pop culture, although not to the band that you mentioned. It did point out that David Eddings, whose books I've read a ridiculous number of times, had a character named Elron who is "a silly theatrical character who performs and tells tall tales in front of locals to gain support for a strange cult." I never caught that one before, so I learned something today. And to quote my good man Eddings, "Any day in which you learn something isn't a complete loss."
http://www.tadgear.com/x-treme%20gear/snowpeak_titanium_spork.htm
I know Phillips isn't exactly a 'favorite' of the fans, if only because they never see him, but he is a Banter favorite.
He always looks uncomfortable at the plate, like he's trying to hold something in.
There's also the process of elimination.
If Jeter had excessive flatulence, that wouldn't be a problem, because every Yankee fan knows Jeter's smell like roses.
Nothing could possibly get past the seal on A-Rod's cheeks.
Don Mattingly doesn't seem to mind sitting next to Giambi.
Robbie Cano has his share of brain-farts, but that problem is restricted to the field.
Finally, utility man Miguel Cairo wasn't in New York last season, so he couldn't be at fault for the departing coaches.
Gotta be Phillips.
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