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Santa's a Dick and other Christmas Specials
2004-12-25 01:01
by Scott Long
Notes:
Scott Long is now blogging at NSFWsports.com.
Will Carroll can still be found at Baseball Prospectus.

Growing up with a manic-depressive father, Christmas day was a mixed bag. While it was exciting to get gifts, I also knew that if the gift was really great, it came with strings attached. For example, when I was 12 I received a moped. Just like any boy this age, I was ecstatic, but it was tempered by knowing for the rest of the year, I would get to hear, "Go out and paint the house or fix the lawn mower, because I bought you a moped for Christmas." (Author's note: My dad did have a 12 year old (me) paint our house and he thought I should instinctually be a master mechanic.)

Some more background on the moped was it was not made by Honda or Suzuki, but made by McCullough, the chain saw company. It was the Yugo of mopeds, being started only by pedaling quickly and then flipping a lever on the back of the moped to kick the engine. It was not to be driven by anyone over 190 pounds, which my Dad had beat by 40 pounds, but it didn't stop him from driving it to work on a consistent basis. Well, the thing broke down after a few months (surprise) and that was the end of my great Christmas present.

I have stories like this for almost every year of my early childhood, but at this point you might be asking, "are you doing some kind of self-help therapy on the blog, because if you are, it's kind of creepy and definitely pathetic." No, the reason I brought it up was to make you feel better about any holiday blues you might be suffering, while also leading in to the main subject of my post, Christmas specials.
The ultimate Christmas classic is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Having not seen the show in a few years, I realized while watching it this year that Rudolph had to deal with some serious crap. He's born with this freakish red-nose, which his dad, Donner is ashamed of. He makes Rudolph wear a cover on it. When Rudolph is elated from a doe named Clarice saying she likes him, Rudolph hops in the air like an in his prime Darrell Griffith. Unfortunately, the fake nose pops off, which disappoints Santa because Rudolph showed potential, but with that freakish nose, Rudolph's no use to him. Equation: Daddy Donner and Santa are Dicks.

In a parallel story, an elf named Hermie has thoughts of being a dentist, instead of working the commune, better known as Santa's workshop. Hermie's ridiculed for wanting to get out of his Wal-mart sweatshop world. Equation: Santa and his henchman are dicks.

So Hermie and Rudolph leave their perspective homes, as they feel like freaks. They end up meeting each other and travel together into the cruel world. At one point, they wind up in a place called the land of misfit toys. There they hear a horrific story about being flawed toys, who have been relegated to this place, as Santa doesn't want to have anything to do with them. Equation: Santa's a Dick.

At the end of the show there is a big snowstorm, which looks like it might ground Santa. Irritated by the possiblity, Santa is distracted once again by Rudolph's nose and tells him to "turn that freakin' beak down, Rudy" (paraphrasing). Then Santa, consumed by his own needs realizes this freakin' beak just might help him guide his sleigh that night. Equation: Santa's a Dick.

In conclusion, my holiday essay closes with the following points:
1) No matter how good the gift is you receive, be wary, as it might have been given in the spirit of "you're going to have to pay me back for this gift".
2) SANTA'S A DICK!
3) Rudolph's good, but the best Christmas special, hands down is "The Year Without a Santa Claus". The Snow Miser and Heat Miser Rule.

Have a Happy Holidays!

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